I've had trouble explaining to people why I don't want gifts for various life occasions. For example, even before we decided to elope, I was determined to tell our guests, "NO GIFTS." And we're talking about having a baby party in January (not a shower, because, again, "NO GIFTS"). Someone asked me, "Is it because you want what you want and not what other people will get you?"
That made me feel bad. Like I think I'm too good for other people's gifts or something, and it's not that at all (heck, at this point most of our baby stuff is secondhand). I don't want gifts because it feels materialistic and contrived to me. Gifts is the love language that means the least to me and while I'm happy to accept them from people who I spend a lot of time with and express affection in other ways as well, I don't want to ask for gifts from people who I don't know as well.
I think it feels fake to me because my primary love language is acts of service (and probably 2nd would be quality time). So if you don't spend time with me and you're not willing to do favors for me, a physical gift just feels pretty meaningless. And I'm not a huge fan of gifting things to other people for the same reason. I don't feel like we're "friends" unless we spend some time together. So how can I ask you to show up to this party and give me shit? And are you asking me to come to your party/shower/whatever because you want to spend time with me or just because you want my money?
I'm self aware enough to realize this mindset is just mine and not everyone shares it and not everyone has gifts as the last on their list of ways to express affection. And I'm trying to be open-minded to the idea that to other people, not giving a card for special occasions can be a big deal or that Christmas gifts are expected rather than a perk to an already special day.
But I still can't bring myself to make a registry and then share it with everyone. Sorry, gift-givers! It's not you, it's me.
That being said, here's a list of "gifts" I'd really appreciate:
- An offer to babysit sometime next year
- Hang out with me AND the baby after it comes so that I don't have to find a babysitter
- Plan an outing so I don't have to (I get so sick of the endless "What should we do? Where should we eat? Does anyone have any ideas?" that inevitably follows a suggestion for a group hangout. Either contribute an idea, vote for your favorite, or don't say anything. It's like the "yes and..." rule for improv actors.)
- Spring cleaning. Do you ever just want to talk to someone while you clean? I do. Even if they sit there and don't help, it makes the chores go by so much faster. I seriously used to cajole Sister3 into sitting on my bed while I tidied my room back in high school so I could chat with someone.
- Talk books with me. Super extra bonus credit: read a book at the same time so we can compare notes the whole way.
- Talk to me about something I posted on the blog. Far more of my IRL friends and family read than I realize and it always means a lot when someone mentions a blog post. Plus, a lot of the topics on here are things I'm really interested in or feel strongly about and don't necessarily get to talk about in everyday life.
Notice a pattern there?
And even with physical gifts, there's always going to be some I treasure more than others. Did you spend time making something with your own hands? Sure, that's a "gift" but it's also an act of service. You're speaking my language. Is it a gift based on an inside joke or something we talked about previously? There's a tenuous link there to quality time, which adds a whole layer of meaning for me.
I've actually been asking friends and family about their respective love languages, so I can be more thoughtful when I do want to do something nice for them. If their language is gifts, I'll try to think of something appropriate to buy, if it's quality time then I want to spend more time with them or make more of an effort to chat on the phone, and so on.
Some people just don't know and then I'm stumped (like Sister3, whom I have decided has her own unique love language of food photos). And some of the languages are harder than others. Like someone whose primary love language is physical touch? What do I do with that??? "My gift to you is this hug." Bahahaha!
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble so I'll cut myself off, but what do you think?
Is it easy for you to accept gifts or do you prefer non-tangible gifts? Does your love language have an impact on how comfortable you feel giving gifts? Do you know what your primary love language is?
