What's this? A non-political post? Yes, friends, I have finally succeeded in thinking about something else. I know, quite the accomplishment.
So you know what else is crazy? I'm 3/4 of the way done! Definitely starting to get excited now and definitely feeling pregnant. We've had baby movement since about week 22, which makes it both more real and surreal at the same time. I've had a few of these moments, "Whoahhhh, my body is, like, growing another body."
None of which is to complain. I realize I've gotten off really (really, really) lightly with the symptoms so far and I am immensely grateful for that (knock on wood that the sciatic pain doesn't resume immediately after writing this).
That sounds nice and all, but something's driving me to keep picking up the pace. I think it's partially an irrational feeling that I need to get as much "done" as possible before the baby comes, since I don't know what life will be like at that point, but I think the other part stems from a fear I've always had about being a parent.
I don't want to lose who I am.
I told my mom this and she laughed at me and I've since (mostly) made my peace with it. Yeah, my blog might change, yeah I might be a dull conversationalist for a while, and yeah, I'll probably be obnoxious on Facebook with 20 versions of the same picture that I think are all exquisitely unique and special. But I still don't want to stop living.
I recently needed a photographer for a client. I'd taken photos for him in the past and, frankly, it was subpar work and I don't want to be responsible for (and charging people for!) work that I'm embarrassed by. "No problem!" I thought. I know tons of photographers - previous classmates who'd built their own freelance businesses. I messaged around and I could not find a one to take on this client, because they'd all gotten married and had kids and didn't have the time.
Now I'm not here to denigrate anyone's choice to stay home with their child (or cut back on their workload), but it still shocked me. These women chose a field that they loved (or so I thought - I could be wrong) and they poured their hearts into these businesses, and then to give it all up? I love my business, and I can't imagine myself without it. I want to think I have room in my heart and schedule for work and a baby.
It reminded me of one of Sheryl Sandberg's points in Lean In. She talks about women leaning back to make room for family before they even have a kid. She mentions how incredibly difficult it can be to leave your child to go back to work and if you've leaned back and missed out on opportunities, then there's not a whole lot to entice you to return to a job that is probably less satisfying than it would have been if you'd stayed fully engaged. She advises you to instead "lean in."
So I guess that's what I've been doing. Leaning in to life and work and trying to make sure that there's plenty of both still waiting for me on the other side of motherhood. Both for me and my child, because I want to provide a multi-faceted role model for him/her.
So you know what else is crazy? I'm 3/4 of the way done! Definitely starting to get excited now and definitely feeling pregnant. We've had baby movement since about week 22, which makes it both more real and surreal at the same time. I've had a few of these moments, "Whoahhhh, my body is, like, growing another body."
Clothes
I like my pregnancy clothes and I like looking pregnant (though I feel cheated by my lack of pregnancy boobs - I was quite looking forward to that particular physical change). I remember the first couple months when I was so sure that I wouldn't be showing up until the end and now I laugh at that naivete. What did I know? (For the record, I am 100% sure that the entire process of parenting will include more laughing at my past misconceptions.)Cravings
There was a solid week where I wanted olives all the time. I'd eat them first thing in the morning right before starting my breakfast smoothie. Delicious. Another week I came home with old bay boiled shrimp even though I normally hate the stuff (old bay, not shrimp). Ate it right from the package.What it's Like
Physically I mean. I'm sure everyone's so different emotionally that there's no point in describing that part. Mostly I don't feel too much different. As excited as I was to feel the first few movements, you adjust to that pretty quickly and I mostly don't even notice anymore unless the baby does something weird. Like every once in a while it'll roll over (or somersault or something) and that kind of feels like someone's shoving a giant marble against my stomach and turning it. There's other days where I'm achy, inside and out. Sometimes my skin hurts or is itchy and sometimes my insides feel hollow or scraped out, kind of the way you might feel after a bad period or after puking all night long. Which is kind of funny considering I'm the opposite of empty!None of which is to complain. I realize I've gotten off really (really, really) lightly with the symptoms so far and I am immensely grateful for that (knock on wood that the sciatic pain doesn't resume immediately after writing this).
The Serious Stuff
In another vein entirely, I've noticed that even as I feel "more pregnant," I find my brain moving onto or back and forth between different topics more easily. It's become more a fact of life than something that needs to be discussed and pondered over. I've been keeping busy with my happiness project and business projects and generally running my butt into the ground at a time when other people might advise me to relax, enjoy the last few months of non-parenthood, take a babymoon with my husband, etc.That sounds nice and all, but something's driving me to keep picking up the pace. I think it's partially an irrational feeling that I need to get as much "done" as possible before the baby comes, since I don't know what life will be like at that point, but I think the other part stems from a fear I've always had about being a parent.
I don't want to lose who I am.
I told my mom this and she laughed at me and I've since (mostly) made my peace with it. Yeah, my blog might change, yeah I might be a dull conversationalist for a while, and yeah, I'll probably be obnoxious on Facebook with 20 versions of the same picture that I think are all exquisitely unique and special. But I still don't want to stop living.
I recently needed a photographer for a client. I'd taken photos for him in the past and, frankly, it was subpar work and I don't want to be responsible for (and charging people for!) work that I'm embarrassed by. "No problem!" I thought. I know tons of photographers - previous classmates who'd built their own freelance businesses. I messaged around and I could not find a one to take on this client, because they'd all gotten married and had kids and didn't have the time.
Now I'm not here to denigrate anyone's choice to stay home with their child (or cut back on their workload), but it still shocked me. These women chose a field that they loved (or so I thought - I could be wrong) and they poured their hearts into these businesses, and then to give it all up? I love my business, and I can't imagine myself without it. I want to think I have room in my heart and schedule for work and a baby.
It reminded me of one of Sheryl Sandberg's points in Lean In. She talks about women leaning back to make room for family before they even have a kid. She mentions how incredibly difficult it can be to leave your child to go back to work and if you've leaned back and missed out on opportunities, then there's not a whole lot to entice you to return to a job that is probably less satisfying than it would have been if you'd stayed fully engaged. She advises you to instead "lean in."
So I guess that's what I've been doing. Leaning in to life and work and trying to make sure that there's plenty of both still waiting for me on the other side of motherhood. Both for me and my child, because I want to provide a multi-faceted role model for him/her.
If you've been pregnant, what weird symptoms/cravings/aversions did you have? If you haven't, is there anything about pregnancy you're curious about? AMA!
