I posted a while back about the endless chase for happiness and how it might bring more frustration and distress than actual positivity. I'd settled for contentedness at that point and it seemed better.
I don't disagree with that mindset now, but maybe it's not as polar as all that. Maybe sometimes you don't have the energy to chase big dreams and self actualization. And sometimes you do and it's worth aiming for joy vs serenity.
The biggest difference between those 2 states is what I already implied - energy. When I'm drained or overwhelmed, then I need to prune and cut things out and give myself a break. Free time to read a book or do nothing is the biggest gift I can give myself. When I'm in a neutral or energetic state, then I want more. More adventure, more excitement, more self actualizing!!!
With both those things in mind, this post is going to cover small things I've cut and added that increase my overall life satisfaction.
Leisure - books, games, down time. Health - working out, cooking healthy food, getting outside, making time for mindfulness. These things have been going to the wayside for a long time, some deliberately pruned and some by accident. Bringing them back in has been huge! I've learned that you can't be productive all the time - your brain needs breaks (at least mine does). And I've also learned to question what's so important about productivity anyway. Am I more likely to change the world because I said my affirmations every day and always followed my nighttime routine? Probably not. Am I less likely to accomplish my goals if I let myself take breaks for books? Possibly, but who says those goals are more important than my day-to-day happiness?
When I say "structure" I mostly mean having a reasonably tidy house. I have let go of so much - dishes pile up for a day or two before we empty the dishwasher and get them in there. The baby's toys gradually scatter themselves all over the house, and I don't even notice until I kick something in the dark. BUT I know that at a certain point, it starts to stress me out. So I made a (very loose) routine for us and put it on our marker board by the door. We know the roomba runs twice a week, so on those days we pick up toys and make sure it can run without committing suicide on a sock or teddy bear.
On the weekends you'd still be in disbelief that we ever pick up, because following my child around cleaning up the devastation as it's created just isn't a good use of anyone's time. But as soon as he goes to daycare and things might actually stay tidy for a while - then it's totally worth it. Similarly, I'm finding there's a lot more value in keeping things put away that stay put away. Dirty dishes regenerate multiple times a day, as does laundry. But that random thing on the counter that we use maybe once a month? Once I put that away, it stays away a lot longer. So using the 5-minute rule and focusing on infrequently-used items has been helping a lot.
Ok, so if you read between the lines this is actually the same as #3 in the other list. This is exactly what I meant about things being a plus or a minus, depending where your head (and energy level) is! Right now, at this particular moment in time, I have energy and I want to live a full life. That means goals, and projects, and meeting new people!!! I've been writing blog posts again, and making time for creative projects outside of work, and I'm heavily considering finally starting that life design Meetup group that's been in the back of my head for a year. Just thinking about it makes my brain buzz with excitement and I'm finally remembering what it's like to cross shit off my to-do list almost as soon as I put it on there.
So that's my take on pruning vs cultivating. I'm currently in a cultivating state, but I know that I'll probably switch back to pruning at some point (no doubt after Baby #2 is born), and that's ok. Ironically, those phases are not nearly as well documented because the personal blog is one of the things that gets pruned, but again, giving myself permission to have different values at different times in my life helps me stay equalized and at least serene, if not actively happy.
I don't disagree with that mindset now, but maybe it's not as polar as all that. Maybe sometimes you don't have the energy to chase big dreams and self actualization. And sometimes you do and it's worth aiming for joy vs serenity.
The biggest difference between those 2 states is what I already implied - energy. When I'm drained or overwhelmed, then I need to prune and cut things out and give myself a break. Free time to read a book or do nothing is the biggest gift I can give myself. When I'm in a neutral or energetic state, then I want more. More adventure, more excitement, more self actualizing!!!
With both those things in mind, this post is going to cover small things I've cut and added that increase my overall life satisfaction.
Things I Cut Out
1. Unrewarding Relationships
Energy vampires, favors that never get returned, one-sided friendships, always having to be the planner. For a long time I was lonely, and I struggled to make new friends. But I've made peace with having a larger circle of acquaintances rather than a core group of close friends, and in a lot of ways it's more satisfying day by day. I have a lot of people I can reach out to when I want to talk to someone or go to a particular event, but I don't have to deal with that many people's bullshit. The worst offenders are ones I've let go, and I think my life is calmer and more peaceful for it.
2. Elaborate Date Nights
After trying a fair number of relationship-building strategies, I'm kind of torn on date nights. Yes, the research suggests that couples who actively work on their relationships are happier. Yes, trying new things is proven to make people feel emotionally closer to each other. But I can remember a lot of frustrating evenings with Ryan, trying to be happy and enjoy each other's company, but just feeling sad or frustrated underneath the "date box" or new restaurant or whatever. But you know what makes us happy with a nearly 100% success rate? Video games. (Caveat: video games that we both enjoy - I don't love some of his older turn-based games, and he doesn't love my favorite Lego games.)
So why keep trying so hard to push us into this model of relationship success when we've already uncovered something that works for us?
3. Busywork
To share a quote from the first blog post I linked to, "That's not joy. That's just busywork!" Sometimes I enjoy journals, and affirmations, and mari-kondo-ing my closet. And sometimes I don't. I think recognizing that these side projects have a time and place, and being willing to let go of things even if they were near and dear to my heart 6 months ago, is huge progress for me. Of course, there are also things that were never fulfilling, like clubs, or memberships, or craft projects, that just seemed like a good idea at the time. Those have been easier to let go, once I dropped my ego from the equation.
Things I Add
1. Self Care
Leisure - books, games, down time. Health - working out, cooking healthy food, getting outside, making time for mindfulness. These things have been going to the wayside for a long time, some deliberately pruned and some by accident. Bringing them back in has been huge! I've learned that you can't be productive all the time - your brain needs breaks (at least mine does). And I've also learned to question what's so important about productivity anyway. Am I more likely to change the world because I said my affirmations every day and always followed my nighttime routine? Probably not. Am I less likely to accomplish my goals if I let myself take breaks for books? Possibly, but who says those goals are more important than my day-to-day happiness?
2. Structure
When I say "structure" I mostly mean having a reasonably tidy house. I have let go of so much - dishes pile up for a day or two before we empty the dishwasher and get them in there. The baby's toys gradually scatter themselves all over the house, and I don't even notice until I kick something in the dark. BUT I know that at a certain point, it starts to stress me out. So I made a (very loose) routine for us and put it on our marker board by the door. We know the roomba runs twice a week, so on those days we pick up toys and make sure it can run without committing suicide on a sock or teddy bear.
On the weekends you'd still be in disbelief that we ever pick up, because following my child around cleaning up the devastation as it's created just isn't a good use of anyone's time. But as soon as he goes to daycare and things might actually stay tidy for a while - then it's totally worth it. Similarly, I'm finding there's a lot more value in keeping things put away that stay put away. Dirty dishes regenerate multiple times a day, as does laundry. But that random thing on the counter that we use maybe once a month? Once I put that away, it stays away a lot longer. So using the 5-minute rule and focusing on infrequently-used items has been helping a lot.
3. Self Actualization
Ok, so if you read between the lines this is actually the same as #3 in the other list. This is exactly what I meant about things being a plus or a minus, depending where your head (and energy level) is! Right now, at this particular moment in time, I have energy and I want to live a full life. That means goals, and projects, and meeting new people!!! I've been writing blog posts again, and making time for creative projects outside of work, and I'm heavily considering finally starting that life design Meetup group that's been in the back of my head for a year. Just thinking about it makes my brain buzz with excitement and I'm finally remembering what it's like to cross shit off my to-do list almost as soon as I put it on there.
So that's my take on pruning vs cultivating. I'm currently in a cultivating state, but I know that I'll probably switch back to pruning at some point (no doubt after Baby #2 is born), and that's ok. Ironically, those phases are not nearly as well documented because the personal blog is one of the things that gets pruned, but again, giving myself permission to have different values at different times in my life helps me stay equalized and at least serene, if not actively happy.
