I realize that title sounds sad. But I don't actually feel that way about it and I'll explain...
When I was pregnant the first time around, I was terrified of "losing" myself. I never wanted to become someone different, or to have my identity consumed by my child. In hindsight, the 2nd thing was never going to happen, and the first was silly.
The whole pursuit of self actualization is all about the process of becoming a different, more fulfilled, self! I'm constantly changing. So to worry about not being "myself" is just silly. I am whoever I am at any given moment.
So yes, "mom" is now part of my identity. Some of my opinions on kids and parenting have changed now that I've personally experienced it. Other things haven't. I still don't introduce myself as "Orion's mom." I don't talk about my kid unless it's relevant to the conversation, and I try to be especially mindful when I'm talking to people who don't have kids of their own.
But I am different and it's been difficult to try to explain and justify those differences to people who are close to me. Take our recent vacation. I did my best not to complain on the trip, and to make the most of any enjoyable moments that came my way. But the honest truth is that I spent most of it stressed out, anxious, and exhausted.
Traveling with a kid just isn't the same as traveling by yourself or with other adults. A lot of experiences aren't fun with a kid. It's not the kid's fault. They just don't fit into the adult sphere of life I thought I could drag them into.
Sure, I could still do all the things I used to do if I didn't worry about inconveniencing other people, but it's not fun for me either when my kid is having a tantrum in the middle of dinner. I'm not having fun, my child isn't having fun, and the people around us probably hate us.
Who wins in this scenario? Is this really better than just admitting that my previous hobbies don't work right now, and if any of us are going to have fun, we have to do something that's at least kid-friendly if not kid-centric?
It took a while, but I think I've finally admitted that it's more enjoyable to follow Orion around the playground for an hour than to try to eat in a restaurant with him.
I think date nights, and travel, and adult activities are still important! But we need to plan for them a little more carefully now. We need to arrange childcare, and we only have a certain number before our baby-watchers run out of goodwill and patience with us, so we have to be strategic about which activities we're choosing.
Most of our regularly schedule non-kid activities are NOT as a couple. Ryan goes to the rock climbing gym a couple times a week. I would do something with friends, or go be alone with a book, or lately use my nights to stay at work a little later. It's just easier that way, and I think we're learning how to balance that with finding some free time to be together in the evenings after Orion goes to bed.
It's all been a huge learning process and I think one of the most important lessons I've learned is that it's ok for your priorities to change when you have a kid. (This sounds stupidly obvious as I type it out.) It's ok for your interests to shift, and to enjoy more low-key activities for a while. I still fully believe that life and doing things will be easier as my kids get older, and that I'll slowly shift back into wanting to do things for me instead of for them most of the time. I think it's ok to accept this phase of life as a slow-down period.
Let's be real - pregnancy and newborns make you focus on survival more than self actualization. So no, I don't plan to travel for a few years. And restaurants might be a special night out for me and Ryan rather than packing up our squally babies so we can monitor their behavior instead of enjoying our own food.
But I don't see that as giving up, or defeat, or failure. It's just natural. Life is different as a freelancer than it is as a corporate employee. Life is different as a home-owner than a van-dweller. Life is different with pets, or a significant other, or ailing family members to care for.
Every circumstance in our lives changes the way we live and what we enjoy. And right now I'm thinking it makes a lot more sense to adapt to what's easy, and fun, for my circumstances right now, than to continue to try to cram my new circumstances into my old life.
When I was pregnant the first time around, I was terrified of "losing" myself. I never wanted to become someone different, or to have my identity consumed by my child. In hindsight, the 2nd thing was never going to happen, and the first was silly.
The whole pursuit of self actualization is all about the process of becoming a different, more fulfilled, self! I'm constantly changing. So to worry about not being "myself" is just silly. I am whoever I am at any given moment.
So yes, "mom" is now part of my identity. Some of my opinions on kids and parenting have changed now that I've personally experienced it. Other things haven't. I still don't introduce myself as "Orion's mom." I don't talk about my kid unless it's relevant to the conversation, and I try to be especially mindful when I'm talking to people who don't have kids of their own.
But I am different and it's been difficult to try to explain and justify those differences to people who are close to me. Take our recent vacation. I did my best not to complain on the trip, and to make the most of any enjoyable moments that came my way. But the honest truth is that I spent most of it stressed out, anxious, and exhausted.
Traveling with a kid just isn't the same as traveling by yourself or with other adults. A lot of experiences aren't fun with a kid. It's not the kid's fault. They just don't fit into the adult sphere of life I thought I could drag them into.
Sure, I could still do all the things I used to do if I didn't worry about inconveniencing other people, but it's not fun for me either when my kid is having a tantrum in the middle of dinner. I'm not having fun, my child isn't having fun, and the people around us probably hate us.
Who wins in this scenario? Is this really better than just admitting that my previous hobbies don't work right now, and if any of us are going to have fun, we have to do something that's at least kid-friendly if not kid-centric?
It took a while, but I think I've finally admitted that it's more enjoyable to follow Orion around the playground for an hour than to try to eat in a restaurant with him.
I think date nights, and travel, and adult activities are still important! But we need to plan for them a little more carefully now. We need to arrange childcare, and we only have a certain number before our baby-watchers run out of goodwill and patience with us, so we have to be strategic about which activities we're choosing.
Most of our regularly schedule non-kid activities are NOT as a couple. Ryan goes to the rock climbing gym a couple times a week. I would do something with friends, or go be alone with a book, or lately use my nights to stay at work a little later. It's just easier that way, and I think we're learning how to balance that with finding some free time to be together in the evenings after Orion goes to bed.
It's all been a huge learning process and I think one of the most important lessons I've learned is that it's ok for your priorities to change when you have a kid. (This sounds stupidly obvious as I type it out.) It's ok for your interests to shift, and to enjoy more low-key activities for a while. I still fully believe that life and doing things will be easier as my kids get older, and that I'll slowly shift back into wanting to do things for me instead of for them most of the time. I think it's ok to accept this phase of life as a slow-down period.
Let's be real - pregnancy and newborns make you focus on survival more than self actualization. So no, I don't plan to travel for a few years. And restaurants might be a special night out for me and Ryan rather than packing up our squally babies so we can monitor their behavior instead of enjoying our own food.
But I don't see that as giving up, or defeat, or failure. It's just natural. Life is different as a freelancer than it is as a corporate employee. Life is different as a home-owner than a van-dweller. Life is different with pets, or a significant other, or ailing family members to care for.
Every circumstance in our lives changes the way we live and what we enjoy. And right now I'm thinking it makes a lot more sense to adapt to what's easy, and fun, for my circumstances right now, than to continue to try to cram my new circumstances into my old life.
