Ryan and I decided shortly after getting engaged that we would elope. Up until the engagement I had been pretty gung ho about weddings and planning and, while I hadn't started a secret Pinterest board, I did have a pretty extensive Google doc with resources and a list of all the things we would need to decide upon.
Planning don't scare me! Bring it on!
But then, when the engagement happened and I was finally allowed to start talking about this stuff, I realized Ryan really wasn't into it. He wanted to get married, but every conversation about how and when and where seemed to leave him feeling drained and unenthusiastic.
Obviously not what I was going for.
So after rather carefully feeling him out to see what was going on, I realized my dream wedding was his worst nightmare. We talked about the difficulties of collecting his family from various parts of the South, mine from the East and West, and all the expectations we would have to deal with. And I thought, "Why am I doing this to him?"
He'd joked a few times about running off to Vegas or eloping, so finally I asked him if that's what he really wanted. Yes.
So while we're putting our own twist on it, and there is a small bit of planning involved, that's essentially what we're doing. And magically, as soon as we started using that word - Elopement - the expectations seem to fade away. Are people disappointed? Probably. But no one's seemed too upset about it, and a lot of people have been really supportive.
Let me give you a list of the reasons I'm convinced this is one of the best ideas we've ever made.
So there you have it. Will I still feel guilty if people's feelings are hurt. Probably. And will I feel wistful that I didn't get to have my moment in a big princess-y dress with everything the way I want it? A little.
But I think I'd rather accept those feelings gently now, than realize them in the midst of a stress-crazed battle with some guest who refuses to make things easy for me. Because it's impossible to make everyone happy, and there's no way the event will go down exactly how I want it to. The real world doesn't work that way.
If you want more to think on, here's a couple fun links:
Planning don't scare me! Bring it on!
But then, when the engagement happened and I was finally allowed to start talking about this stuff, I realized Ryan really wasn't into it. He wanted to get married, but every conversation about how and when and where seemed to leave him feeling drained and unenthusiastic.
Obviously not what I was going for.
So after rather carefully feeling him out to see what was going on, I realized my dream wedding was his worst nightmare. We talked about the difficulties of collecting his family from various parts of the South, mine from the East and West, and all the expectations we would have to deal with. And I thought, "Why am I doing this to him?"
He'd joked a few times about running off to Vegas or eloping, so finally I asked him if that's what he really wanted. Yes.
So while we're putting our own twist on it, and there is a small bit of planning involved, that's essentially what we're doing. And magically, as soon as we started using that word - Elopement - the expectations seem to fade away. Are people disappointed? Probably. But no one's seemed too upset about it, and a lot of people have been really supportive.
Let me give you a list of the reasons I'm convinced this is one of the best ideas we've ever made.
8 of our Reasons for Eloping
1. Money
"Just think of all the money you'll save." Yes. Weddings cost a LOT. Sister2's wedding, originally intended to be a modest event, has ballooned somewhere to the vicinity of $20,000. Of course, this was only after my father got involved, leading to...2. Expectations
You think everyone's going to go along with what you want because it's your "special day." But they don't. Everyone has a request, or a demand, even, because they know what the right way is to do things, and it's not whatever you had planned. I had 2 different people tell me what their expectations were before Ryan and I even got engaged. And yes, I still sometimes get pissed off about that.3. Stress
While I was still convinced that planning would be delightful and I'd get to do everything all my own way (Eff alla ya'll - I'ma do what I want!), it was obviously going to be a major source of stress for Ryan. And that alone would have caused me some unhappiness, even before all the other bajillion decisions and financial issues got involved.4. Time
Even if planning is your thing (like it is mine), putting together all those little details is going to take a long time. An engagement quite frequently lasts a year or more, not because the couple isn't ready to go all the way, but because that's how long it took to get everything figured out. It's kind of nice to have that time to do and plan other things. Like school, and house hunting.5. Flexibility
You don't have to worry about who can afford what. Or whether your guests will be able to travel to your location. You can just do what you and your partner want to do, no one else's needs to be considered. And you don't even have to worry about offending people - either they all will be or none of them will. No one has a right to feel singled out, because everyone received the same thing.6. Freedom
This probably sounds like a repeat of some of the others, and it kind of is. But I guess I'm thinking specifically about not having to tailor our ceremony to be something everyone else will be comfortable in. We're gaming, because that's what we like, and the few people there can either appreciate it or are willing to go along with us because we're so close. Could we make our wedding into a game with 100 guests? No, no we could not.
7. Public Speaking
When I have to talk in front of a bunch of people, I get blotchy and red. Even when I'm comfortable. And with the number of people attending a wedding, I wouldn't be. I'd be thinking about how to say my speech, and whether it's properly memorized, and it really wouldn't be that special moment between Ryan and myself that I'm hoping for. The last thing I want to think when I'm pledging my life to him is my splotchy, red face.8. Guilt
Ok, so maybe this is just me being a control freak. But the thing I enjoyed most about the idea of a wedding was the fact that I was in total control. Everything was going to be my way. For once in my life, I could be totally selfish and do everything the way I wanted - you know, with a few exceptions for what Ryan wanted. So either I was going to cave to all the expectations and be unhappy, or I was going to stick to my guns and then feel guilt for all the people I upset or pissed off. And faced with those 2 options, I'd really just rather piss them off A) From a distance and B) In a much cheaper way.So there you have it. Will I still feel guilty if people's feelings are hurt. Probably. And will I feel wistful that I didn't get to have my moment in a big princess-y dress with everything the way I want it? A little.
But I think I'd rather accept those feelings gently now, than realize them in the midst of a stress-crazed battle with some guest who refuses to make things easy for me. Because it's impossible to make everyone happy, and there's no way the event will go down exactly how I want it to. The real world doesn't work that way.
If you want more to think on, here's a couple fun links:
- Why I Eloped - And You Should Too at Slate
- Our Elopement That People Were Invited to Attend: Re-thinking What "Eloping" Means at Offbeat Bride
- Be Ready for Hurt Feelings and 7 Other Lessons I've Learned About Eloping at Offbeat Bride
Would you ever consider eloping? Are you married and if so did you have a wedding? Tell me all about it!
