When we went to Hawaii this past summer, it was supposed to be our final hurrah. The last "STI" or family reunion on my mom's side. My maternal grandmother hadn't been doing so well and at one point we weren't even sure if she'd be able to make it.
But she did, and I'm glad. That trip was not my favorite vacation. In fact, it might be the least favorite of all of them. BUT even in the midst of the stress and sleep deprivation and overall strain, there were good moments. There were plenty of laughs during card games. There was a birthday card and cake for Grandma. There were grocery runs and cooking and small moments when my child was behaving and everyone was reasonably happy. And there were chats with Grandma, and seeing her interact with Orion, and knowing that this family time was important and valuable to her.
Now Grandma is probably dying. The night before Thanksgiving she fell and hit her head. Amidst the medical jargon of "brain bleed" and "unlikely to return to normal function" we got the basic gist. Each day that she remains unconscious makes it more likely that she won't wake up again at all, and at this point that might be a blessing because if she did, she wouldn't be able to take care of herself in any physical capacity.
I'm not sure if the timing is a blessing or a curse. Sister2 and Sister3 had traveled out to spend Thanksgiving with her and instead have spent it in the hospital at her bedside. But I suppose if there's a part of Grandma that's able to hear and understand, it's probably comforting to have so many family members there beside her. My uncles and aunts are rushing out.
I'm grateful that our family is able to hold it together in times like this. As far as I can tell from the phone calls and text updates, no one is trying to go against Grandma's wishes in her advance directive. Everyone is focused on making her comfortable rather than prolonging her life a day or two. I'm glad no one is becoming angry or accusatory at those family members who are choosing not to rush over. Those of us on the East coast will probably wait for the memorial service, since it's less likely that we would make it in time and Grandma probably wouldn't know that we're there anyway.
It feels so cold-hearted to make decisions like that and to already plan for a memorial when Grandma's not even dead. I know my mom is struggling with feelings of guilt for not feeling more sad, but when quality of life is declining so rapidly - does it really make sense to hope for a recovery that would only add years of burden to the patient and family? A (relatively) quick death seems much better than lingering on without physical capacity and with increasingly less mental capacity.
And no one can say Grandma didn't live life to the fullest. She always had full social circles, strengthened by faith and by community and generosity. She traveled, she volunteered, she kept our family getting together regularly. I've never heard Grandma say snarky or gossipy things behind anyone's back. I think the absolute worst you could say is that she had high standards for services provided and would make sure she got her money's worth.
This Grandmother imparted so many valuable life lessons to me, and showed me the life I want to live, especially once I get older. I've seen from other grandparents and older people in general, how easy it is to become bitter and lonely and focus on the negatives. Grandma never did that. She kept her life full of activities and by constantly giving to others, she built circles of friends and acquaintances who never stopped giving back to her.
It's hard sitting on this side of the country waiting for updates. Not quite knowing what's happening. Waiting for the end. I'm sure it's harder for those who are there and watching. For me it's a battle between grief and unreality. And I have Orion who pretty much ensures that I can't be sad for too long because he needs me and because he's so full of innocence and joy.
Of course that makes us think about the circle of life and the new lives we're bringing into the world as we're losing our grandparents. Grandma won't get to meet the new baby, but I don't think anyone's too upset about that. She's had so much time with her grandchildren, and the first 2 great-grandchildren. So much life. So much fulfillment.
I appreciate my kids, born and unborn, because they force me to look forward. To focus on life and living and the future, rather than the past and sadness and regrets. I love watching Orion grow and learn and become a little human. I can't wait for his little brother to be born, both to end this pregnancy and so Orion can start to get to know his sibling.
Our lives are changing in another way, too. Roommate is moving out, after I don't even know how many years with us. We had lunch today to talk it over and confirm what we've had a few hints of. He seems nervous and excited and much more comfortable with the idea of settling down with his long-term girlfriend than he did when the subject was first broached many months ago. I'm happy for them, and there are definitely pros to having the extra room for the kids (or home office or whatever!) but it's tinged with wistfulness, too.
I told him it's like that episode of Friends, "It's the end of an era!" We've lived together reasonably compatibly for quite some time and the house will definitely feel emptier without him (although Roommate did offer to come back to watch the dogs if we ever need him).
In some ways it all feels fated almost. One life beginning, another ending. Roommate leaving, which might have been a financial burden a mere 4 months ago, but now not being a problem because I've since gotten a job. Roommate and his girlfriend settling in to their own lives together just as I was beginning to feel the strain of frequently cohabiting with another couple.
Our lifestyles have definitely been diverging since Ryan and I had the baby. Roommate still has late night game nights, while Ryan and I, even when we were still invited, could rarely force ourselves to stay up that late, knowing we'd be up early with a baby. There's rarely any real conflict, but just small things like wanting to use the same space for different things at the same time. Like nursing a baby vs having guests over. Or the fact that the washing machine is right outside our bedroom door and Roommate keeps a later schedule than us.
So it makes sense and it's timely and fits, but still. It's the end of an era. And sometimes with all this life that goes whizzing by and constantly changing, it's hard to be happy about it.
But she did, and I'm glad. That trip was not my favorite vacation. In fact, it might be the least favorite of all of them. BUT even in the midst of the stress and sleep deprivation and overall strain, there were good moments. There were plenty of laughs during card games. There was a birthday card and cake for Grandma. There were grocery runs and cooking and small moments when my child was behaving and everyone was reasonably happy. And there were chats with Grandma, and seeing her interact with Orion, and knowing that this family time was important and valuable to her.
Now Grandma is probably dying. The night before Thanksgiving she fell and hit her head. Amidst the medical jargon of "brain bleed" and "unlikely to return to normal function" we got the basic gist. Each day that she remains unconscious makes it more likely that she won't wake up again at all, and at this point that might be a blessing because if she did, she wouldn't be able to take care of herself in any physical capacity.
I'm not sure if the timing is a blessing or a curse. Sister2 and Sister3 had traveled out to spend Thanksgiving with her and instead have spent it in the hospital at her bedside. But I suppose if there's a part of Grandma that's able to hear and understand, it's probably comforting to have so many family members there beside her. My uncles and aunts are rushing out.
I'm grateful that our family is able to hold it together in times like this. As far as I can tell from the phone calls and text updates, no one is trying to go against Grandma's wishes in her advance directive. Everyone is focused on making her comfortable rather than prolonging her life a day or two. I'm glad no one is becoming angry or accusatory at those family members who are choosing not to rush over. Those of us on the East coast will probably wait for the memorial service, since it's less likely that we would make it in time and Grandma probably wouldn't know that we're there anyway.
It feels so cold-hearted to make decisions like that and to already plan for a memorial when Grandma's not even dead. I know my mom is struggling with feelings of guilt for not feeling more sad, but when quality of life is declining so rapidly - does it really make sense to hope for a recovery that would only add years of burden to the patient and family? A (relatively) quick death seems much better than lingering on without physical capacity and with increasingly less mental capacity.
And no one can say Grandma didn't live life to the fullest. She always had full social circles, strengthened by faith and by community and generosity. She traveled, she volunteered, she kept our family getting together regularly. I've never heard Grandma say snarky or gossipy things behind anyone's back. I think the absolute worst you could say is that she had high standards for services provided and would make sure she got her money's worth.
This Grandmother imparted so many valuable life lessons to me, and showed me the life I want to live, especially once I get older. I've seen from other grandparents and older people in general, how easy it is to become bitter and lonely and focus on the negatives. Grandma never did that. She kept her life full of activities and by constantly giving to others, she built circles of friends and acquaintances who never stopped giving back to her.
It's hard sitting on this side of the country waiting for updates. Not quite knowing what's happening. Waiting for the end. I'm sure it's harder for those who are there and watching. For me it's a battle between grief and unreality. And I have Orion who pretty much ensures that I can't be sad for too long because he needs me and because he's so full of innocence and joy.
Of course that makes us think about the circle of life and the new lives we're bringing into the world as we're losing our grandparents. Grandma won't get to meet the new baby, but I don't think anyone's too upset about that. She's had so much time with her grandchildren, and the first 2 great-grandchildren. So much life. So much fulfillment.
I appreciate my kids, born and unborn, because they force me to look forward. To focus on life and living and the future, rather than the past and sadness and regrets. I love watching Orion grow and learn and become a little human. I can't wait for his little brother to be born, both to end this pregnancy and so Orion can start to get to know his sibling.
Our lives are changing in another way, too. Roommate is moving out, after I don't even know how many years with us. We had lunch today to talk it over and confirm what we've had a few hints of. He seems nervous and excited and much more comfortable with the idea of settling down with his long-term girlfriend than he did when the subject was first broached many months ago. I'm happy for them, and there are definitely pros to having the extra room for the kids (or home office or whatever!) but it's tinged with wistfulness, too.
I told him it's like that episode of Friends, "It's the end of an era!" We've lived together reasonably compatibly for quite some time and the house will definitely feel emptier without him (although Roommate did offer to come back to watch the dogs if we ever need him).
In some ways it all feels fated almost. One life beginning, another ending. Roommate leaving, which might have been a financial burden a mere 4 months ago, but now not being a problem because I've since gotten a job. Roommate and his girlfriend settling in to their own lives together just as I was beginning to feel the strain of frequently cohabiting with another couple.
Our lifestyles have definitely been diverging since Ryan and I had the baby. Roommate still has late night game nights, while Ryan and I, even when we were still invited, could rarely force ourselves to stay up that late, knowing we'd be up early with a baby. There's rarely any real conflict, but just small things like wanting to use the same space for different things at the same time. Like nursing a baby vs having guests over. Or the fact that the washing machine is right outside our bedroom door and Roommate keeps a later schedule than us.
So it makes sense and it's timely and fits, but still. It's the end of an era. And sometimes with all this life that goes whizzing by and constantly changing, it's hard to be happy about it.
