...Health
Sometimes going for health goals feels a lot like losing. Like deprivation and missing out. "Giving up" alcohol and sugar and junk food and tv and gossip and on and on and on. I'm trying to focus on the good things and the enjoyable things that I gain. I'm trying to set up accountabilibuddies so I have people to hang out with and make the workouts go by faster. I'm trying to force myself to actually attend a fitness class because I think I'll enjoy it once I get there. I'm trying to remember that running feels good. I'm trying to enjoy some of the weird, new foods that Ryan brings home.
I'm trying.
I've "given up" sugar, which means not binge-eating, which for an abstainer like me, means not eating anything that might trigger cravings. I'm on week 5 and I feel as good and resolute about it as I did when I gave up alcohol. It feels good and I'm proud of myself but I don't want to try many other things right now because...
...Overwhelm
I'm sticking to modest goals for now because I feel so overloaded and overwhelmed with life. The smallest things throw me off and when I need to do 3 things at once, like get my car fixed, set up medical appointments for the kid, and replace my glasses, forget it. It takes weeks to handle these 3 seemingly inconsequential tasks.
To be fair, I ended up going to the eye doctor's 3 times because they closed absurdly early the first time I tried, they couldn't fix my glasses the 2nd, and the 3rd I had an appointment to actually get my prescription. It makes me feel so frustrated when I can't cross the thing, whatever it is, off my list after the first attempt. I feel almost thwarted, like life is laughing at my feeble attempts to keep up.
At the current moment I've got Orion's next doctor's appointment scheduled (this'll be his 3rd or 4th for the same ear infection - I've lost count but fingers crossed his poor ears are finally better), a mechanic ordering parts for my car and hopefully calling me tomorrow to set up an appointment to put them on, and glasses ordered (hopefully they fit and don't hurt my eyes - I ordered them from Zenni Optical and I did more guesstimating than is probably wise).
So on the one hand you could say everything's handled. But at the same time, things actually being resolved is a little out of my control at the moment. It's all waiting to hear back from other people, or hoping that things resolve themselves.
Did I mention I hate not being in control?
I'm a control freak anyway, but feeling out of control tends to awaken the beast...
...Mom Brain
I think I've got this mostly squashed down. I'm getting better at silencing that internal voice that tells me I'm not good enough. I purposely don't worry about Orion's development and whether we're reading to him enough. I don't google things we "should" be doing. I wait until there's something to actually be concerned with and then research the appropriate amount. Like biting. I need to teach him not to bite. I don't need to teach him to never drop food off the highchair tray. The dogs will clean it up anyway.
Something I'm working on is removing the word "should" from my vocabulary. I'm literally going to scan this post right now to see if I've already used it because I've gotten so bad about it (just once - changed it because I need the practice). I'm constantly telling myself how I should be better and what I should be doing instead.
Other people have pointed this out. My coach, my counselor, my friend. "Why should you?" "Who's telling you that?" "Don't listen to people who tell you what to do."
But it's not someone else saying it. It's me. It's all me.
I think in the past when I felt too much pressure from school or to not let people down, I'd crack and I'd do it on purpose. Not finish the project, skip a few days, avoid seeing whoever it was. As an adult, I'd take the occasional mental health day and read all day in bed.
I can't do that now. The stakes are too high. I care too much.
I will build a business that pays the bills. I will raise a child who has minimal parent-induced trauma and can function in society. I will, I will, I will.
...Lowering My Standards
There are certain things that non-negotiable. If it has a direct, detrimental effect on my child or my business, it's not happening. But there's definitely room for flexibility in other areas.
My pediatrician wants me to read to Orion twice a day. I tend to beat myself up over that after every visit and every reminder. How will Orion know that books are fun if I don't read to him? He'll struggle with his schoolwork!
But you know... given 5 minutes of free time, I will read. I don't read as much as I used to before having a child, but I'll listen to audiobooks (or podcasts), and I read books or on my Kindle whenever Orion's not physically pulling it out of my hands. If there's a consistent theme to the things I do around him, it's going to be: work, books, and phone.
I'm less proud of the last one, but let's be honest. Every child born in the information age is going to learn that phones are fun. They're going to play stupid phone games and be on social media too much and then, eventually, they'll grow up and learn how to moderate their usage and still, somehow, get things accomplished in spite of this toy they carry everywhere.
So maybe it's not that big a deal if my baby wants to play with my phone. Maybe it's not that big a deal if I don't read to him exactly twice every day. Maybe it doesn't matter to anyone other than myself if we don't have a sit down meal every single day or if I don't cook more often than twice a week.
We still eat. It's mostly nutritious. The baby's weight is proportionate to his height for the first time since he was born.
...Good Enough
Ryan used to sing to him, "It's a good enough bath" whenever he bathed Orion because he'd basically splash some water on him and call it good. I was thorough. I wanted to develop a nighttime routine, so I bathed him every night. And then... Orion developed a rash because getting a bath every day strips the oils out of your skin and I was drying him out too much.
Yesterday we realized we hadn't bathed Orion for a week and a half. Ewww, dirty baby! But you know what? His skin looks good. No crazy rashes or irritations. Maybe a little dirt is ok.
I'm not saying we want to neglect our child, but maybe straining ourselves to be perfect is more harmful than good. Maybe a stressed out version of me that cooks dinner every night actually does him less good than a relaxed, happy version of me that makes a peanut butter sandwich one night and orders pizza another. As long as we eat a squeezy pouch of vegetables first, who cares?!
I told Ryan at lunch today that whenever I seem "chill" about our child, like not worrying that he's not walking or talking at 13 months, it's very intentional. I can feel the underlying concern, and even panic, if I let it well up. So I don't. He's fine and every baby matures at a different rate. He'll do it when he's ready.
It's an intentional chill. Sometimes even a little forced. But it works. And I think I can start applying this to other areas as well. Like feeling stressed and sometimes barely functional. Instead of feeling like an utter failure, I can be intentionally chill about it. These things happen. It's a bad month, not a bad life. It'll pass. I'm not a failure, I'm just struggling a little bit right now. And even though I'm struggling, I'm still kicking ass in a few different areas!
...Self Validation
Sister2 and I talked about this years and years ago and it's a lesson I have to relearn every so often. If you feel sad and tell yourself it's ok and just ride it out, you'll be much better off and recover faster than if you beat yourself up, tell yourself you have nothing to be sad about, and then start feeling stressed and panicky that you can't get rid of this emotion that shouldn't be there.
So that's probably my number 1 priority right now. Yes, lots of other things are important, but the world will survive if I don't do them perfectly right at this instant. I might not survive if I don't give myself some self love.
Shonda Rhimes said we're all constantly failing. Which sounds negative but it's comforting to know that women who publish popular books and write TV shows and raise kids and seem like they "have it all" feel the same way that I do. You can pick an area or two to do well in, but you have to give yourself slack everywhere else. We're all constantly failing at something, but we can choose what to be succeeding at right now and what to pull back from and we can rotate through the different life areas that really matter to make sure they all get some attention from time to time.
...Life Design and Optimization and Famous People
I like optimization and it definitely helps. I like having a smaller wardrobe and not having to spend time putting together outfits on the days that I'm rushed but need to look professional (every single morning networking event or client meeting). I like having a routine and structure and defaults to fall back on when it's time to make a decision so I can save my willpower for more important things.
But I think I thought life design was a magic answer. Surely if I just optimized enough, like President Obama and his only one kind of suit, then I would have time and feel calm and life would be easier.
So part of my overwhelm and stress and even sadness has been waking up and realizing this is just life. Life is as busy as you allow it to be. And if you want to accomplish goals and raise a family and do more than 1 or 2 things, you're going to be busy. You're going to feel stressed and less than put-together sometimes.
