In the past when people talked about their kids, I, more often than not, would be reminded of some anecdote about my dogs. Half the time, "Oh, that's like when my dog..." would be out my mouth before I realized some people might be offended by my comparison of their child to my dog.
However, I now have a child, which clearly makes me an expert, and I have to say... I still see the similarities. Shall we compare?
I do feel bad for the dogs because I know they've gotten less attention since the baby was born. He's become a much lighter sleeper and he cries now at loud noises, so they're banned from the room when we're napping. But, as frustrating as it is when they bark and he cries, that I think he'll just need to get used to. And until then, every guest in our home will be greeted by an excitedly barking Luke, growling Toast, and crying Orion.
Hello. Welcome to my pack.
However, I now have a child, which clearly makes me an expert, and I have to say... I still see the similarities. Shall we compare?
Similarities Between My Human and Fur Children
1. For the Most Part They Don't Understand Me
The dogs know a handful of words including sit, stay, up, off, outside, walk, and "you know what time it is?" That last one is all Ryan. I tend to stick with one to three word commands. Luke is more trainable and we've had him longer, so he also knows paw, roll over, touch, bed, and tail. The baby gives zero indication that he knows any words, but I feel like he understands the general tone. It's comforting or funny or exciting, and so on.2. They Can't Communicate Their Needs
Between the three of them, all sorts of noises are made on the regular: crying, barking, whining, growling, squawking, and so on. Alas, I understand almost none of them! It's like troubleshooting a brand new problem every time. "What's wrong? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Are you hungry? Does your tummy hurt? Do you just want attention? Have you tried turning it off and on again?"3. They're a Built-in Conversational Topic
I always chat with strangers at the dog park. It is the hands-down easiest small talk I ever make. "Which one is yours? Do you know what breed? She's so energetic! He's got beautiful coloring." So far babies and motherhood are the same. "OMG, breast feeding is/was the worst! Have you started real food? Is he on a sleep schedule? Has she started to roll over/crawl/walk/talk?"4. There are Social Groups Revolving Around Them
I just joined a mom group on Meetup and I have been to my fair share of dog Meetups in the past. Perhaps because of the previous point, they're usually the easiest Meetups to attend and chat with new people.5. Bodily Fluid Cleanup
I can't tell you how many people have, upon hearing some poop story about my dogs, said, "And that's why I don't have pets." I always got irritated, "Bitch please - you have 3 kids!" So far the baby hasn't created anything as foul as that time the dogs had diarrhea, BUT he spews bodily fluids with far more regularity and I've gotten his poop on me far more often than the dog's poop. And, because we're on this topic, his poop looks like pumpkin puree and smells salty, like a pretzel. Weird!6. Loss of Freedom
We kind of eased into this by having dogs first, but the more beings you are responsible for, the less you can do. Dogs are good for up to 8 hours alone, and babies can never be left alone ever. Both require some kind of care plan should you wish to go on vacation without them and both are much easier to deal with with the help of generous family members.7. People Judge You
At some point I realized I'd become "that dog owner." You know, the one who calls herself "mommy" when she talks to her dogs, enjoys dressing them up (though so far they don't own their own clothes!), and feeds them all the horrible human junk food she's eating (avoiding grapes and chocolate, obvi). And now I'm slowly becoming the sort of mom my pre-baby self would have side-eyed. I don't want to miss out on life, so baby is traveling with me to more and more locations, as my tolerance for crying goes up I don't always realize it hasn't done the same for others, and I have probably 100 baby pictures on my phone. For each month of his life. I try not to talk about him too much but heaven help the person who asks me how the baby is doing! You did this to yourself.8. People Really Judge You
Just like people judge you for being too "into" your pet and kids, they also judge you for being too disinterested or not doing it right. I've been very fortunate and I've experienced very little of either in my personal life but every search query opens the floodgates and you have to sift through the pile of, "Just pay more attention to them. They need more sleep. They need less sleep. This is obvious - I can't believe you're having trouble with it. People like you shouldn't be allowed to have pets/kids." Seriously, animal and baby people on the Internet are crazy.9. They Need You
Not just for food and cleaning up after them. My baby has started to show a clear preference for mommy, and Toast has been "my dog" since a month or two of having her. Luke is a little more independent and loves every human he comes into contact with, but on a typical day at home, we're all in the same room together. It's not just their physical needs - they're dependent on me for affection and physical contact. For routine and stability and keeping their world turning. It's humbling, and sometimes overwhelming, but mostly it gives me a sense of purpose.10. They Love You Unconditionally
I really didn't want to hold Orion down for his shots a couple months ago. I thought he'd hate me, but after it was done and he was wailing this sad little cry of betrayal, he still calmed down in my arms. He still wanted me to hold him and I'm still his favorite person. When we have a battle of wills and I have to put him down to cry either because I need a break or to try to get him to go to sleep on his own, he'll still smile at me as soon as it's over. Toast and Luke are the same way. Toast has been through a lot and her confidence is easily shattered, but even if she gets skittish after I drop something or bump into something noisy, she still wags her tail for me and goes back to following me around once she's reassured that the scary thing is gone. Luke is an even more extreme case - he made it through our learning curve as new pet owners, and he's remained loving and eager to please through all of it.I do feel bad for the dogs because I know they've gotten less attention since the baby was born. He's become a much lighter sleeper and he cries now at loud noises, so they're banned from the room when we're napping. But, as frustrating as it is when they bark and he cries, that I think he'll just need to get used to. And until then, every guest in our home will be greeted by an excitedly barking Luke, growling Toast, and crying Orion.
Hello. Welcome to my pack.
Do you have pets and/or babies? Do you think they're similar?
