Giving up alcohol entirely is something I've been mulling over for the last year or so. Every time I thought about it, I knew it was a good idea, something I "should" do, but I couldn't quite bring myself to say "never again."
Alcohol is such a pervasive element in our society. We drink to have fun, we drink to celebrate, we drink to cheer ourselves up, we drink for courage, we drink when we're bored, we drink to make everyone else feel comfortable when they're drinking, we drink because we want to fit in with our peers, we drink to bond with others, we drink to have something to do with our hands at parties.
I've tried to make do with rules. "Only 2 drinks." "No shots." "Just wine, cider, and dessert liquors." But you know... I don't think moderation is something I'm capable of. I've mentioned this and the persistent alcoholism in my family to people before, usually to be met with, "Oh! My grandfather..."
It's taken lightly. It's joked about. It's socially acceptable to acknowledge and share and enjoy the tales of your family and friends' alcohol-fueled adventures. But like many other diseases, buried under the jokes and nonchalance is a host of very serious issues. Alcoholism, dependence, lack of control, hurting things, hurting people, hurting yourself.
My life has in some small ways been shaped by alcoholism. I recently read Adult Children of Alcoholics and concluded that the final impact on me is small, indeed, and I really am quite fortunate to have been touched so little by this specter. But it has left its mark and it has hurt me, many times, in childhood and a few occasions more recent.
There are scars that will never go away. And somehow, as a young adult, I felt free to look past that and make my own experiments, and indulge. I made mistakes. I got sloppy. I did all the things most people do when they first try alcohol.
But I got older, and hangovers got worse, and I wanted to start being responsible. I wanted to "grow up" and take control of my actions. I started to realize how dangerous some of my decisions were, and I never wanted to know how sickening it must be to wake up and realize I'd endangered or harmed someone by getting behind the wheel.
So I tried to make changes. I set my rules. Time and time again. But moderation continued to elude me.
I don't know what alcoholism looks like to other people. I never thought of myself at risk, because I don't crave a drink. But when I have one or two, suddenly all those rules and values fly out the window and I drink as much as I want to.
I'm not capable of moderation. I might not be an alcoholic, but I don't want to become one. So I'm quitting now, before I do anything irreparable. I'm quitting now because I see the damage others have done, and I've felt the hurt of the drunken actions of others, and I know I'm capable of that.
I decided to quit back in December. I was going to wait until after Australia, both to not have to miss out on travel "experiences" and because New Years always seems like a good time to start new things. I'd just begun when something happened that erased any lingering doubts or regret I might have.
If you're capable of moderation, that's great. But for a huge portion of society, alcohol is a huge contributor to some of our biggest life mistakes. Whether it's driving under the influence, getting into a fight, infidelity, making an ass of yourself and getting fired, injuring yourself (accidentally or deliberately), or making permanent life decisions without the benefit of your rational mind, the risks are huge.
What are the pros? Fun. Fitting in. A few hours of enjoyment.
I don't think every person is at risk of losing their mind and doing dangerous or harmful things when they're drunk. But for those of who are: how in the hell can fun compete with possible killing someone? Possibly killing yourself? Breaking your spouse's heart?
It is fucking ridiculous. And I'm done. No "just for special occasions." No "only Bailey's because it's barely alcoholic anyway." Nothing. Because I'm not capable of moderation. And that risk to benefit ratio is not and never has been worth it.
I don't expect the rest of the world to follow suite, although there's a few people I can think of that I'd plead and entreat if I thought it'd do any good. It's a personal decision, and it's a painful one, and it's fueled by my knowledge of my own lack of self control, and by the genetics I know I've inherited. And it took time. I knew I should do it a year ago and it took this long to build up the will to follow through.
But I'm doing it now, and I'm grateful and proud that I was able to manage it before doing anything irreparable, and I'm hopeful that others in my life will get their shit together as well, so that we can move into the future together. One that doesn't end in a blaze of flame and pain and regret.
Or police sirens. I'd like to avoid those as well.
Alcohol is such a pervasive element in our society. We drink to have fun, we drink to celebrate, we drink to cheer ourselves up, we drink for courage, we drink when we're bored, we drink to make everyone else feel comfortable when they're drinking, we drink because we want to fit in with our peers, we drink to bond with others, we drink to have something to do with our hands at parties.
I've tried to make do with rules. "Only 2 drinks." "No shots." "Just wine, cider, and dessert liquors." But you know... I don't think moderation is something I'm capable of. I've mentioned this and the persistent alcoholism in my family to people before, usually to be met with, "Oh! My grandfather..."
It's taken lightly. It's joked about. It's socially acceptable to acknowledge and share and enjoy the tales of your family and friends' alcohol-fueled adventures. But like many other diseases, buried under the jokes and nonchalance is a host of very serious issues. Alcoholism, dependence, lack of control, hurting things, hurting people, hurting yourself.
My life has in some small ways been shaped by alcoholism. I recently read Adult Children of Alcoholics and concluded that the final impact on me is small, indeed, and I really am quite fortunate to have been touched so little by this specter. But it has left its mark and it has hurt me, many times, in childhood and a few occasions more recent.
There are scars that will never go away. And somehow, as a young adult, I felt free to look past that and make my own experiments, and indulge. I made mistakes. I got sloppy. I did all the things most people do when they first try alcohol.
But I got older, and hangovers got worse, and I wanted to start being responsible. I wanted to "grow up" and take control of my actions. I started to realize how dangerous some of my decisions were, and I never wanted to know how sickening it must be to wake up and realize I'd endangered or harmed someone by getting behind the wheel.
So I tried to make changes. I set my rules. Time and time again. But moderation continued to elude me.
I don't know what alcoholism looks like to other people. I never thought of myself at risk, because I don't crave a drink. But when I have one or two, suddenly all those rules and values fly out the window and I drink as much as I want to.
I'm not capable of moderation. I might not be an alcoholic, but I don't want to become one. So I'm quitting now, before I do anything irreparable. I'm quitting now because I see the damage others have done, and I've felt the hurt of the drunken actions of others, and I know I'm capable of that.
I decided to quit back in December. I was going to wait until after Australia, both to not have to miss out on travel "experiences" and because New Years always seems like a good time to start new things. I'd just begun when something happened that erased any lingering doubts or regret I might have.
If you're capable of moderation, that's great. But for a huge portion of society, alcohol is a huge contributor to some of our biggest life mistakes. Whether it's driving under the influence, getting into a fight, infidelity, making an ass of yourself and getting fired, injuring yourself (accidentally or deliberately), or making permanent life decisions without the benefit of your rational mind, the risks are huge.
What are the pros? Fun. Fitting in. A few hours of enjoyment.
I don't think every person is at risk of losing their mind and doing dangerous or harmful things when they're drunk. But for those of who are: how in the hell can fun compete with possible killing someone? Possibly killing yourself? Breaking your spouse's heart?
It is fucking ridiculous. And I'm done. No "just for special occasions." No "only Bailey's because it's barely alcoholic anyway." Nothing. Because I'm not capable of moderation. And that risk to benefit ratio is not and never has been worth it.
I don't expect the rest of the world to follow suite, although there's a few people I can think of that I'd plead and entreat if I thought it'd do any good. It's a personal decision, and it's a painful one, and it's fueled by my knowledge of my own lack of self control, and by the genetics I know I've inherited. And it took time. I knew I should do it a year ago and it took this long to build up the will to follow through.
But I'm doing it now, and I'm grateful and proud that I was able to manage it before doing anything irreparable, and I'm hopeful that others in my life will get their shit together as well, so that we can move into the future together. One that doesn't end in a blaze of flame and pain and regret.
Or police sirens. I'd like to avoid those as well.
