What side of the sketchbook? The other side. You know, where instead of you creating the image, the image being created is you. Because you're modeling, naked, on the other side of the room.
Yep.
Modeling for an art class is something that's been on and off my bucket list for a long time. I already talked about how I was inadvertently selected to do it and how, in my mind, it was kind of symbolic of self love and total self acceptance. But I really wanted to share the experience, as well, because it was interesting, and a little awkward, and accomplished what I wanted it to.
When I started attending figure drawing, I was thinking, in the back of my mind, "Hey, this could eventually lead into modeling." Some time. Waaaay in the future.
Then our model went on vacation and the organizer asked me to fill in. Despite having intentions to do this one day (in the distant, unforeseeable future), I hesitated. It was very definitely an "Oh, crap" moment. After a couple moments I realized I had to say yes. You can't have something on your bucket list and then turn it down when it's offered to you. So I did.
The next month, my nervousness increased as the day grew closer. But, in a way, I was proud of how I coped with this. For whatever reason, my brain all on its own, just shoved it away. "Don't think about it, being anxious won't help, you only need to think about it when you're getting ready and when you're there."
The fateful day arrived. I prepared myself with all the care you take for a special date or a visit to the lady doctor (after all, your viewers might not be as close to you physically, but they'll be looking at you a lot harder). I wore a dress that didn't require undergarments and that was easy to slip off and, more importantly, back on the moment it was over.
It was raining when I got to the studio and there were only a couple people there. I started to relax, thinking it would be pretty low key, but people continued to arrive. By the time I was naked and posing, the studio was more full than it had been any of the other times I'd been there. And there were more men there, which started to bother me, and then I realized how stupid it was and added it to the list of "don't think too hard about this."
The first 10 minutes or so I had to count 30-ish seconds in my head and then change poses. I was bad at this. My mind would wander and I'd lose count, because apparently being naked and counting to 30 is just too many tasks at one time. Fortunately, the organizer had my back and would make subtle motions for me to change, so that made it easier.
It was surreal. If I looked at the ceiling or the floor, I could even forget that I didn't have any clothes on. But then I would turn at an angle where I couldn't help but see myself and it was a bit of a shock. "Whoa! Still no clothes, huh?" Each time, I could feel the color, which had started to subside from my face, flare back up.
We moved into 5 minute poses and I started to notice something. The organizer, in concern for my unclad state, had left the air conditioner off and it was warm and humid. At first I was just delicately misting, us we ladies do, but after an uncomfortable 15 minute pose I could feel a couple drops of sweat roll down my back. As if it wasn't bad enough to just be naked, I was now sweaty and flushed and naked. I resolved to keep my back to the wall and hoped that artists are serious when they say things like, "Oh, it will be really nice to do the pink of your cheeks." (How about some deep red? IS IT PRETTY?)
Fortunately, I got a break at this point, threw my dress on and went outside to let the rain cool me off a bit. After this I did a couple more 15 and 20 minutes stances, and the night was over.
By the way, you can get sore just from holding still. Your body really doesn't like this, and if you were foolish enough to choose something like (as a totally hypothetical example) leaning on one arm for 20 minutes, then your hand will probably go numb and your arm will ache for about 30 minutes afterwards. But totally in a "I'm so self actualized" way, not in a "Think about your choices" way.
Everyone was really nice throughout. They told me what a great job I did, they loved this pose or that pose, it was great to see a model with "curves," (technically accurate - everything is very round) and even that I had great skin. By the end, I was thoroughly embarrassed.
I tried to not take the payment offered, in order to donate it to the Arts Alliance (which is an awesome group and you should check out if you're a DE local), because I wasn't doing this for money, I was doing it for self actualization, but apparently they legally have to pay you. So I was paid to get naked, which is the type of slightly misrepresentative though technically true statement that I can imagine The Bloggess saying (I'm reading her book right now, which is why this irrelevant statement made its way into this post). And it was a pretty decent amount, too! $60 for only a couple hours of discomfort? If I was a college student, I'd be all over that!
Afterwards, I was trying to avoid seeing the drawings, afraid that they'd cause my self confidence to plummet, but I ended up seeing quite a few anyway. Some made me look better than I'd imagined, and some I looked pretty bad. But I was able to admire them anyway, for the artist's skill, and get over the fact that I don't have a perfect body, which was the whole point of the evening.
Overall, totally worth it, and I'm proud of myself but also glad it's over. They tried to recruit me for next month and I declined. For me, this was a one time thing. And no, there will be no pictures.
What have you done to face your fears (or discomforts)? Do you have bucket list items crossed off for this year?
