My thoughts on marriage swing back and forth pretty wildly. I probably think about divorce more than I should. Not in "I want to get a divorce" but more thinking about that alternate reality where I'd never gotten married, or what it would be like to be alone.
I think marriage is important when there are kids in the mix. With common sense caveats, like if you despise each other too much to be civil or demonstrate good social skills for your kids, then you're no longer providing them with the benefits of married parents anyway. But providing a stable environment, and modeling conflict resolution skills, and so on. Those things are important.
I also have to admit, even when I'm cranky and complaining that Ryan should do more, that he does a lot and it would be MUCH, much harder to do this alone. I can't imagine never getting breaks. So in addition to the stability marriage (or a committed relationship) provides to your children, I think it's important for the parents.
But... if I didn't have kids? If my life had gone in a different direction? If I could go back in time and pick something else?
I don't know.
Marriage is just a lot of work. Living with someone else and constantly compromising is a lot of work. There's the work of daily life and there's the work of getting over the big things that go wrong. The things that hurt deep inside and come up when you least expect it. Healing is work and trying not to be irritable day-to-day is work. And sometimes it feels like the ROI is too low to make it a smart investment of energy.
That being said, if I took away the child and trying to run a business aspects of my life, maybe I would have enough energy left over to not begrudge the relationship for needing some of it.
I do think there's a lot of truth to things I've read in books about the "superior wife" or the double whammy of women succeeding at entering with work force without managing to make men enter into an equal part of household chores. In most of the relationships I've seen, or talked to friends about, it seems fairly unbalanced. In a weird way, I think the housewife/bread winner couples are the ones who actually have things the most balanced because they're not trying (and failing) to divide things up evenly. They just admit that these are her types of chores and these are his.
So when I think about that, I think an ideal life is one without romantic relationships. Or at least committed ones where you live together and have to be responsible for each other. I think if I got divorced at any point for whatever reason, I would just be done with it all.
I don't think the problem is my particular relationship. I think my relationship is actually a pretty healthy one, especially when I compare it to various friends and acquaintances. But if anything that just makes me feel more sure that relationships aren't worth it. If I'm struggling so hard in a GOOD relationship, what's the point? No other relationship would be magically easier or better.
The problem is just me. I'm tired, and introverted, and stubborn. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of the emotional responsibility of keeping everyone else happy. I'm tired of "emotional chores" which I didn't realize existed until everyone else's happiness rested on my emotional state. I'm tired of "household management" which I didn't realize existed until the 20th time Ryan told me that he's happy to do chores - I just need to ask. In other words, I must be aware at all times of all the things that need to be done and I need to delegate who does what and articulate that to them, or it won't happen.
Dudes, my brain is tiiired. I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want to be responsible for everything. I hate managing other people.
So yeah, that makes me daydream about having time to myself again once our kids are grown and we no longer have a responsibility to provide a stable home environment.
But I'm also realistic enough to know that in 10 years, and definitely in 20 years, when my body isn't exhausted from growing babies, and newborn sleep schedules, things might be different. In 1 year, after being an employee for a while and not a business owner, things might be different.
Maybe I'll just get so used to the compromise and household management that I won't want to do without it. 20 years is a very long time.
I read a random statistic from Reddit today that said loneliness is the equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day in terms of life expectancy. Higher than obesity! So given that tradeoff, maybe it's better to be tired and occasionally resentful than it is to be alone all day every day.
I wonder if I would even be lonely at this point, or I would just revel in the freedom of solitude. Given extra time and energy, I could easily just bump up social outings, now that I'm more comfortable reaching out to people. I remember feeling very lonely and isolated in my late teens/early 20s, but most of that was my own making.
