You know how certain memories burn themselves into your brain? The Awkward Yeti actually has a comic about Brain only remembering embarrassing memories. I have those, but for me the ones that are the most strongly embedded are not the ones where I was embarrassed; typically as I grow up I learn to laugh it off and they lose their sting. The ones that seem to never go away are the ones where I wronged someone. Where I was unkind and accidentally hurt someone, or even just failed to help.
I think I wrote about this a while ago, but the author of Congratulations, by the Way: Some Thoughts on Kindness really gets into this. I don't know why I decided to write about this because, frankly, it's a downer of a post, but maybe I can use this as a reminder to myself that being kinder in the future will save me all kinds of regret. Yay, what fun! Anyway, here's the memories I can't seem to forget:
Those are the worst ones. I've also treated my friends poorly when they've confessed things to me. Choosing to become angry and scold them instead of sympathizing. It's hard to watch the people you care about make terrible decisions, but after it got to the point where they were openly afraid to tell me things, I knew I had to change that. I think, I hope, I'm a better friend now. And I hope I'm kinder than I've been.
Standing up to people is harder, but I like to think I'm more up front about my beliefs and more likely to express disagreement when people say rude and ignorant things. Finding a balance between standing up for people who are being maligned vs becoming the malign-er by bashing people who make careless remarks is a difficult line to walk. Especially for someone who was raised with a "the best defense is a good offense" philosophy. But I think I'm finding that path and I hope as time goes on I find fewer and fewer things to regret.
Now, to lighten the mood, I will tell an embarrassing story that I only learned to find amusing in the last couple years.
Since I was a teenager, I also played poker with my school friends at the rare parties we had, but you can imagine it was of a different variety. So when my aunts asked, "Oh, you guys play poker?" my brain decided to blurt out, "We only play strip poker."
There was an awkward silence as everyone tried not to picture a family strip poker game, and then one of my aunts, not knowing what else to say, went, "Woowoo!" A second later my brain reconnected and I said, "Oh no, oh my god, Texas Hold'em. I meant Texas Hold'em!!!"
I think I wrote about this a while ago, but the author of Congratulations, by the Way: Some Thoughts on Kindness really gets into this. I don't know why I decided to write about this because, frankly, it's a downer of a post, but maybe I can use this as a reminder to myself that being kinder in the future will save me all kinds of regret. Yay, what fun! Anyway, here's the memories I can't seem to forget:
Summer Camp, the Tie-Dye Shirt
When I was perhaps 9 or 10 (or 11 or 12, I have no idea really), my sisters and I all went away to an overnight summer camp. We didn't stay in the same cabins, and bumping into each other was pretty rare, so I was excited when I was allowed to see Sister3 for a short period of time. I honestly don't remember how or why this was coordinated, because she would have been 5 or 6, but she was at a really cute age where I liked reading to her and babying her and being trusted with her without adults was still exciting. So she was showing me around the area where her age group stayed and we passed some tie-dye shirts that were hanging up on a line to dry. One was almost entirely white, with just one tiny splotch of color, and I pointed it out, making fun of it for being so plain. And then she told me it was the one she had made.Charcoal Pit, the Catty Waitresses
As a teenager, I waited tables for a couple years at a little burger place my family liked. When Sister2 came of hireable age, it was pretty natural to get her a job there as well. She was a hostess and her responsibilities included seating people and cleaning off the tables. I'd been there for almost 2 years, was working 50+ hours, and was generally starting to get fed up with it, so I was pretty absorbed with my own emotions and not paying much attention to anything else that was going on. At a staff meeting, a couple of waitresses made a point of calling out the "best" hostess, which, when there are only 2, is pretty pointed, and lavishing praise on the other hostess who was their little pet. I didn't even notice and didn't put much thought into it until later when Sister2 told me how angry it had made her. After that I paid more attention, and a few people told me mean things they'd said, but the two waitresses never said anything in my hearing and I never really had a chance to say anything back or defend my sister. I still regret my lack of attention at that meeting and not calling them out on it even though they never said anything after that in my hearing.Alaskan Cruise, the Disembarkment
My family takes some pretty epic trips together and our cruise to Alaska was no exception. I don't have a single negative memory of that trip until the end. We were packing up our bags and waiting for them to call our group number in order to disembark. I don't remember what item we needed and didn't have, but since it seemed like it would be a while before it was our turn, my mom ran down to the ship store to get it. While she was gone, they called our group and my father, in his typically crazy fashion, belted out, "We gotta go!" He snatched up as many suitcases as he could carry and rushed down to the deck. My grandmother, my aunts, my sisters and I all followed and not a single one of us thought to text or call my mom to let her know what we were doing. We searched the milling crowds for her before someone finally thought to check their phones and saw all the missed calls. She cried when she did catch up to us, barely managing to explain how it had felt to return to an empty room, completely abandoned, and my heart still aches when I think about what a bunch of inconsiderate assholes we were. I've seen my mom cry maybe 4 or 5 times in my life, so it makes a big impression when she does.Trip Recap, the Unnecessary Literary Critic
We were reading a trip recap some relative had written and my mom commented on how well done it was. I expressed general agreement but thought certain parts could have been better written. I then proceeded to point out two parts of the recap that had actually been filled in for the author by someone else, as she hadn't been there at the time. The person who had written the parts I pointed out? My mom.Those are the worst ones. I've also treated my friends poorly when they've confessed things to me. Choosing to become angry and scold them instead of sympathizing. It's hard to watch the people you care about make terrible decisions, but after it got to the point where they were openly afraid to tell me things, I knew I had to change that. I think, I hope, I'm a better friend now. And I hope I'm kinder than I've been.
Standing up to people is harder, but I like to think I'm more up front about my beliefs and more likely to express disagreement when people say rude and ignorant things. Finding a balance between standing up for people who are being maligned vs becoming the malign-er by bashing people who make careless remarks is a difficult line to walk. Especially for someone who was raised with a "the best defense is a good offense" philosophy. But I think I'm finding that path and I hope as time goes on I find fewer and fewer things to regret.
Now, to lighten the mood, I will tell an embarrassing story that I only learned to find amusing in the last couple years.
Poker, the Freudian Slip
We were visiting my grandmother and aunts and making small talk about various inconsequential things. The conversation turned toward hobbies and games (maybe we were trying to brainstorm ideas of what to do, who knows?). We had lately been playing poker with my dad, which felt very grown up and hardcore, gambling with the giant stash of quarters he'd collected over the years. We played a few different varieties, but primarily Texas Hold'em.Since I was a teenager, I also played poker with my school friends at the rare parties we had, but you can imagine it was of a different variety. So when my aunts asked, "Oh, you guys play poker?" my brain decided to blurt out, "We only play strip poker."
There was an awkward silence as everyone tried not to picture a family strip poker game, and then one of my aunts, not knowing what else to say, went, "Woowoo!" A second later my brain reconnected and I said, "Oh no, oh my god, Texas Hold'em. I meant Texas Hold'em!!!"
What memories do most regret? Do you tend to remember the things you've done or the things other people have done to you? Got any embarrassing stories to lighten the mood?
